Whew! The only way I know how to begin this is just to jump right in. This year has been hell for a lot of people including myself. There have been some amazing things as well and I would be ungrateful not to mention how blessed we are. We celebrated one year in our new home, we celebrated our youngest sons first birthday, my oldest son is doing amazing with virtual school and my husband and I have both been employed during the pandemic being that we both have essential jobs. Although these things are all wonderful for us, it doesn’t stop the weight of the world from feeling so heavy sometimes. Some days the mountain is just too big.
Some days it seems like everything is just going wrong. For no reason at all every possible ache that comes with life seems to be heightened. Whether it is financial concerns, work concerns, health, or social issues, some days it just seems like there’s nothing you can do to make it better. My fiance and I have been on a 14 day quarantine due to COVID-19. Brennon tested positive and we both were banished to our home for 14 days, no work no nothing. I was pulling my hair out by about day 3. I’ve worked since I was a senior in high school and I’ve had a full-time job since I graduated college. Sitting still is not something that I am good at. I’ve swept my kitchen 37 times, vacuumed about 45 times, and washed every piece of clothing that we have. I rearranged my living room, put my plants in new places, and got my flower beds tidy. I think we both had to pull ourselves out of the funk of being unwell and being home because of it. My anxiety screams at me during times like this. I tend to be a bit panicky while Brennon is always so level-headed. I don’t know how he does it. Thank goodness for him always being there to keep me together. Although I’ve been feeling all sorts of ways about being home I have loved getting up every morning and just being with my babies. I’ve made pancakes every morning and I’ve helped Bra’len with school. Brennon and I have danced while making dinner and I think Deuce will miss our morning cuddles as much as I will. I’m all about the silver lining.
As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs we have postponed our wedding date several times, Brennon lost his grandfather this year due to COVID and school is virtual and I’m battling mom guilt over working full-time at a time where I feel like he needs me most. I love my job but that’s the mom in me. Always worrying and wondering if there is more I should be doing. I assume all us moms go through those ups and downs at times. Today I let myself sit in it though. I let myself feel all the feelings. I let my emotions do all the running they needed to do. And most importantly I’m shaking back. I let myself feel the weight of the mountain today and then I decided to press on because honestly, I just have too much shit to do and too many goals that need my attention. I used to run from my feelings of anxiety, fear, worry, sadness, etc. because I didn’t want to feel those things. Honestly, that makes it worse. As I’ve grown I’ve realized that the easiest thing to do is just to feel those feelings, address the feelings with figuring out the root of them, and then letting it GO.
Some days the mountain is too big. Some days the mountain seems impossible to pass. I stood at the bottom of that mountain today and I felt it. I sat on the edge with my back to it and I let myself really feel the weight. After a good talk with Brennon, some baby kisses and some hands of UNO with Bra’len I’m shaking back. I’ve got a family that depends on me and needs me. I’ve got people that count on me to get over this mountain. Today I started climbing the mountain, one step at a time, one day at a time. I will make it to the top and so will YOU.