Good morning, to all of my readers. It seems like it has been such a long time since I’ve had the mental capacity and creativity to write. I’ve had quite a few people ask me when I would be back on the blog and really it felt so good to know that people have been re-reading blog posts and missing new content. One thing I promised myself when I started this blog and social media journey is that I would never be one of those people that made life look like it was all glitz and glamour. I’m dedicated to truth and transparency. It really gets to be a hot mess around here. Life is not perfect and really that is the beauty of it. Every struggle and storm have shaped me into the woman I am today. I am appreciative for every opportunity for growth. So, with that being said, it’s time for some truth. STORY TIME:
I’m going to keep this as brief as possible without leaving out too many details; if that’s possible. In 2018 we moved to North Carolina for business opportunities to put our family in a better position financially. At the time, it was the best decision for us and proved to be quite a blessing for us. At first we were all very excited about it. As time went by my oldest son, Bra’len, missed being home in Mississippi more and more. It started quiet subtle at first with a few mentions of it. As the months went by, winters passed, I could see that he really longed for his old home. I guess there was a bit of denial in my heart. He would say he was unsure about the move back because he would miss us when he was there. But being in North Carolina he also missed his father and the rest of his family. At this point I had decided that I would not let him make the decision to move home. After all, he was indecisive about it. And I mean lets be real about it, I was NOT a fan of sending my little boy back to Mississippi. My first step was to seek counseling for him to help him work through his feelings. Turns out he really had made his mind up but he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
January of 2021 my oldest son had made up his mind. He said, “Mama I am one hundred percent sure I want to go back to Mississippi.” When I asked him how he knew he was sure he said because that is where most of his family was and that is where he felt the most comfortable. He did not falter in his words. He was firm and he was very sure of himself. This was a devastating blow for me as a mother. I sat on this for a little while but after some time his father and I spoke about it and decided after the summer he would return to his hometown and live with his father. Bra’len was thrilled. I, on the other hand, was shattered to my core. I cried more than I ever had in my entire life. The pain I felt was like nothing else. I have been divorced, I’ve broken a toe, I’ve had a baby with no epidural. Nothing compares. I cried in the shower, I cried in the car, I cried with my friend in the stairwell at work. I cried everywhere. So in March I decided I needed a bit of help myself and started seeing a therapist for myself. I wholly encourage anyone going through mental, emotional, life changes to seek therapy. It literally saved me. I was drowning in grief and she helped me so much.
Through the duration of my counseling I still seemed to have trouble coping with this new idea of life without my son being with me. I know that I wasn’t literally “losing” my son but that’s what it felt like to me. I finally took my own advice and went to see my doctor. After filling out a Global Scale for Anxiety and Depression I was forced to admit to myself that I needed more help. After talking with my doctor (who is absolutely wonderful) we decided that taking a low does anti-depression/anxiety med may help. And it did. I started to feel more in control of my emotions and began to slowly feel like myself again.
By the end of the summer I felt very good about my decision to allow Bra’len to return to Mississippi. With the advice of my therapist I helped him prepare as well. He was excited but he was also nervous. We picked out new shoes, we planned future trips and visits, and we decided what things he would take and what things he wanted to stay at my house. It was a bittersweet. Seeing him be so happy about the move though really made it all feel better for me. His father and bonus mama are more than capable of caring for him. He has such an amazing support system around him I couldn’t have asked for a better family dynamic in this situation.
I will admit that I was very concerned with what people may say about my son not living with me or what questions people may ask but my husband always reminds me that those people don’t matter. The only opinions that mattered in this case were mine, my ex-husband and our spouses. Doing what is best for our son is the only thing we considered. I’m sure there are people who think I shouldn’t have let him decide so young but what works for us doesn’t work for everyone else and that’s just fine too. Initially I was very torn about sharing but I think that if I could help any other parent through such a tough situation it would be worth it. Parenting is hard. It is one of the hardest challenges of my life but it is the most rewarding.
I wanted to give a special thank you to my husband for being so loving and supportive during this time for me. I cannot express enough how good you are to me and how much you are appreciated. To all of my friends that constantly checked in on me and still do, my love for you is eternal. Thank you to my family that has checked in and called and provided encouragement, you are golden. I appreciate all of it.
Here’s to a new beginning and more writing.