Tug of War

Since I was 17 years old I’ve had a job. I’ve worked in fast food, waiting tables and been a therapist for the last 10 years. I love having a job and making my own money. ‘Cause at the end of the day, secure the bag, sis! In my twenties I never questioned going to work, I just did. I loved being independent financially. That was ultra strong, independent, I don’t need no man, Millie, though. Now I’m questioning it all.

Let me explain. Now that I’m a mother I love working just as much but my maternal voice is quite loud these days. There are times I’m working and I feel like I should be home with my babies. And times I’m home with my babies, I’m sure I should be working instead. I feel as though this is a tug-of-war most mothers feel. It’s really a pulling of the heartstrings. Now, more than ever more and more women are leaving the workplace to stay at home and provide child care. This has been caused by several things such as the still large wage gap between women and men, the pandemic leaving child care facilities closed, and the high costs of child care. But where does the guilt of it all come from? That pang in your stomach that happens when you realize your baby is the last one picked up from daycare. The burn in your chest when someone says stay at home moms don’t do anything. Why do mothers always have a constant feeling of “not enough”? All the while carrying the world on their shoulders.

With our recent move to Houston I was home from work for about three to four weeks. It was glorious. I had so much fun making breakfast for my little one, decorating the house, running errands, and spending a lot of my husbands money. The cuddles from my baby boy at nap time were priceless. Seeing my husband ecstatic about dinner already cooked definitely smoothed over the Amazon package arrivals. In the midst of my bliss it crept in, “You need to be at work!” Several times I had the conversation with my husband about how much I loved all the time I was having at home but how I was ready to work. How do you choose between wanting to me with your kids all day versus working when there really is no other option? I’ve realized that the problem is we’ve obsessed over what we don’t have and miss the little moments we do. Choosing to make the most of the moments I do have at home are the focus. Keeping my energy devoted to the moment. God grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change.

If you’re stuck in a tug-of-war of sorts I encourage you to find the silver-lining of each end. Dedicate yourself fully to the moment you are in. Time is fleeting.